The Pioneer
Hillary Banks Self
Artist, Creative Risk-Taker & Marketing Ace
Creator of The OutLaw Oracle
Leo Sun, Leo Moon & Scorpio Rising
The Open Road (somewhere between CA + OK), USA
With faith and a hearty dose of audacity, I chose to leave what had so deeply hurt me - and move towards the Light. I committed to a one-way ticket out of there, into a new life and an unknown, but surely brighter future.
It's a cool, mild morning in the Sierra Mountains just south of the entrance to Yosemite National Park. The birdsong and gentle breeze are the only sounds as I enjoy my morning coffee on the front porch of the white adobe I'm briefly staying in, during my journey across the US. It's a tender morning. I embarked on this journey two weeks ago, after two long years of "losses" in business and in love. Deep into the cold of the winter months, I found myself feeling stuck and afraid - having exhausted all avenues I could think of. The landscape around me had changed entirely. What once felt like a warm and hopeful home now felt confining. All around me sat reminders of the life I thought I was building and the memories of what I felt I'd lost. It was hard to think, let alone breathe in all of that grief.
“Thankfully, a call from a longtime friend pulled me out of those sad ruminations and reminded me of the freedom and inspiration I find on the open road”
And so, I chose to pack up all of my belongings, leave the home I'd thought I'd be building a family and a life in, and once again go out on a journey of self-discovery.
That choice was a hard one. And each day of the last month there, as I packed away my belongings, I cried. It felt like a loss of epic proportions. I thought of the excitement I'd had when I started my own business, the parties I'd hosted in this little cottage, the people I'd loved there and the ways they had loved me, and all the dreams I'd had for myself in that space. And, I also thought of all the ways in which those things, one-by-one, had vaporized.
I had no idea what future I was moving towards, but I knew it had to be better than the pain and disappointment I was leaving behind. With faith and a hearty dose of audacity, I chose to leave what had so deeply hurt me - and move towards the Light. I committed to a one-way ticket out of there, into a new life and an unknown, but surely brighter future.
I've been on the road for over 2 weeks now, clinging to the one creation I have that still feels pure and good from my time spent in that former home: my own creation - The Outlaw Oracle card deck.
Since leaving that place and that space behind, I've traveled to events and locations where I could share my deck with like-minded, fun-loving people. I've traveled from Los Angeles to Palm Springs, California. I spent a weekend at Stagecoach Music Festival making new friends + this past weekend I went to a Rodeo in the Sierra Mountains.
“Each step of the way, carrying my grief with me, quietly, and finding messages and meaning that I may not know where I'm headed, but I am most certainly on the right path. This morning's card reading was another one of those serendipitous messages”
I went to bed last night feeling tired and a bit confused - about love and loss, particularly. I found myself asking: "Have I made a mistake by leaving that relationship behind?" Wondering if I had "given up" on something I should have held out for? You know, those kind of creeping questions that come out of nowhere, and take all the air out of the room.
I had a night of fitful, strange dreams and awoke with a start, finding a text message from one of my favorite people: Yana - the Graphic Designer + Manufacturer of my oracle deck. In it, Yana shared with me a message she'd received from Spirit about my particular situation. In sum, "...let go of the crap from your past that is not going to serve you. Look forward into the future and be open to the possibilities and the opportunities that are going to present themselves to you. That's where your true happiness lies."
That felt like a direct answer. My choice to move on literally and metaphorically was the right one. So, for confirmation, I sat down with my deck and decided to pull a card. As I began to shuffle, I caught a glimpse of The Pioneer card (#9). I took note of it but continued to shuffle, and as I did, the card jumped from the deck and landed at my feet. "I guess that's my card, then...." I told myself.
As I flipped through the guidebook to The Pioneer, I gazed at the card's image and read the artist notes I'd written on the front of the card: "Trailblazer, Explorer, Long Haul Driver" and "Endurance and Experience". That seemed fitting for the month's long journey I've committed myself to.
“I'd been wondering if this grief would cloud my entire experience and prevent me from enjoying myself. I'd been thinking that others could see it all over my face when I walk into a room, like a sort of haze or heaviness that I just carry with me”
And, I'd been asking: "Was leaving where I was the right move?" And, the message came through, loud-and-clear: Lessons have been learned, that experience wasn't a total waste of time and energy. But, I'm not to ruminate on that or let it make me bitter or hard. I am to remain open to fresh faces and spaces. I need to actively welcome new encounters, knowing that I have the experience I need to prevent any past pains or disappointments from hurting me once more. In other words, I learned somethin' and I can trust myself to get back up and try again.
The guidebook says it like this:
"Always open to fresh starts, the Pioneer embarks on endless journeys and long hauls with confidence and optimism rooted in experience. Sometimes seen as Lone Stars or Desperados, Pioneers are independent thinkers and doers, constantly embarking on new adventures and living to tell the tale. Pioneers have seen enough of this world to know they want to see more. Their good faith and radical trust in life (and themselves) make them adventurous, free-spirited, and unafraid to go alone...this card invites you to re-discover life with the open and appreciative eyes of a traveler of new lands, curiously seeking to learn and experience more."
One of the four recommended songs for the upright version of "The Pioneer" is: "King of the Road" by Roger Miller. I can't help but smile and think of my Dad when I hear that song. It's a fun romp through a resourceful traveler's life.
And the "Straight Shot" or "too long, didn't read" mantra for that card says:
"Been there, done that. (And I think I'll do it again because I know there's more to the story."
That's the medicine I needed.
I know there's more to my story and it doesn't end in bitterness and isolation. I have the experience and the endurance I need to not only keep going, but to have the audacity to ENJOY the ride.
I'm grateful to Spirit for sending me a message through my friend Yana and for confirming it with my very own deck. Sometimes, when the chips are down and it feels like you've played your last hand: you simply have to look and listen for the signs. You are never totally alone (and neither am I).
*wink*
Follow along with Hillary's journeys on Instagram @theoutlaworacle or grab your own copy of the deck at TheOutlawOracle.com
